What matters to them... matters the most
2/3/20252 min read
One of the greatest gifts we can give another human being isn't advice. It's understanding. Not agreement. Not solutions.
Just understanding.
Teenagers taught me that.
Parents often tell me, "My child tells everyone everything except me." The first instinct is usually guilt. Or frustration."After everything I've done..." . But perhaps that's the wrong question. Instead of asking, "Why won't my child talk to me?" Ask, "What would make them feel safe enough to?"
Those are very different conversations. One seeks compliance. The other builds connection. Here's something teenagers have quietly taught me over the years.
If something matters deeply to them...it matters.
Whether we understand it or not.
Whether we think it's trivial or not.
Whether time will eventually prove it insignificant or not.
To them... it is real.
And that's enough. Most of us don't become distant because someone disagreed with us. We become distant because someone dismissed what mattered to us.
Think about your own life.
When was the last time someone dismissed something that mattered deeply to you?
When was the last time someone said, "You're overreacting." "It's not a big deal." "Move on."
Did it make you feel understood? Or alone?
People don't drift apart because they disagree. They drift apart because they stop feeling understood.
It doesn't matter whether they're your child, your employee, your partner or your closest friend.
Every relationship quietly asks the same question.
"Will you first understand me before trying to change me?"
Sometimes they don't need answers. They need an anchor. People rarely remember every solution we offered. They never forget how safe we made them feel.
Someone who can quietly say, I'm here." "Tell me more." "Help me understand."
Understanding doesn't mean agreeing. It means acknowledging that another person's emotional reality exists—even when it's different from yours. Because the quickest way to lose someone's trust...is to make them feel that what matters to them...doesn't matter to you. Whether you're a parent, a leader, a partner or a friend, people don't expect you to have all the answers.
They hope you'll first make space for their truth.
Reflection
The last time someone came to you with a problem...
Did they leave feeling understood...or advised?